Of the hundreds and thousands of Bill watersons (calvin & hobbes) anecdotes,
this one just takes the biscuit.
I mean,never ever someone has put in words something I always wanted to say.
I just don’t test well!!!!
But why?
Rationality demands reasons.And reasons I shall give thou.
Anywho,I intend to list out my tryst with this nightmare which has been haunting me for like since LKG(yes,since LKG,stop rofling).
Yes,this dread,more so,dislike towards exams started right from
LKG.
( I just didn’t feel like using hate,on an off chance that I offend The EXAM Gods..
no,my theology is not messed up,there is someone who is out there to get me)
I was not a big fan of school,right from the word go.
And imagine mom dragging you out of ur bed on a cold december morning,
and that too on a holiday.
Mind you,I dont remember if I was toilet trained then,but had this
astute sense of holidays and all,I came in this world and my first words were…sssseeeennnddddyyyy
(that was Sunday…and dont you judge me,I was no spelling bee on my day 1)
Anwho,she dressed me up and took me(lugged me..yippee) to school .
I remember I protested (hah) ,warned that I would call the children help line and demanded she put me down.
( okay i dont think i did that,but i am sure I cried a lot)
But my warnings and sincere protest - read as howling,crying and mucusing out a lot - she gave in and told me the reason.
She said,that I had failed the maths exam and was supposed to take it again.
Again!!!Again!!!!
I am not taking it again lady,I stated clearly (yeah right).
But my sharp mind saw clearly through the real villain.
It was not my mom (of course not,she is nice,heyyy mom,I hope you are reading this)
EXAMS!!!5-letters,underhanded,sly,non anagramtic,darn word.
Yes,this was it,and from that day on,the war is so on.
Okay,after that fairly long winded story of me versus exams,I come to not so “profound” but equally important aspects which I so dislike about exams.
And after that god awful description above,I would stick to the way we do it in corporate world.
And though I am so sure you have not guessed it,I would say your guess is correct,and it is the Bullet points.
Listed down below are the problems I have with all sorts/forms/methodologies of tests and exams.
1)Test centers : Have you ever realized that the exam conductors will somehow be able to conjure up
the most remote,obscure,jungular (my post,my words),for sure inhabitable and not reachable by normal modes of transport ( and no,walking is not a normal mode,not to me anyways).
If we were to punish organization conducting board exams, who will for sure allot you to a center diametrically opposite to wherever you happen to stay (quite a remarkable feat,if you ask me), people who are responsible for conducting competitive exams should be ______(fill some form of torture here)
They wont even hesitate sending you to other town,city,or state to take that god forsaken exam which I anyways wont clear.
Last reported incident was a student who in his quest to reach a exam center,took so much time that he crossed the upper age limit for the test.(Seriously,you can search it over net 
2) People : The human element.It certainly counts as one of the worst emotions I experience during tests.
What is with so many people coming and crowding the place huh?
But its such a important and vast category,I would like to go a bit deeper and categorize them:
Following are the types of people who you possible encounter ( and categorically hate their guts)
a) Nerdys:Whole year worth of books,notes,materials,stationary,lunch boxes,water bottles,handkerchiefs,napkins,all the possible threads ( not just odinary threads,only the God powered ones) and the clincher,that rickety Mickey mouse pencil box from class 2.
What do I say to that?
Junta in this category will make any exam center some sort of religious institution.Sitting (sqatting) anywhere with their paraphernalia,helping others to fall down trying to avoid the stuff lying on the ground.
b) Kewls:Nothing to be said about the general level of preparation of these guys,they will certainly be the most loud,obnoxious and yes,most annoying of the categories.
And the reason I get ticked looking at such a group is coz,lets face it,I want to belong to this category.
But on exam days,I just magically acquire this visage,brooding,sad,grimacing and looking really really lost.
Sometimes literally,coz I cannot find that “Some obscure sounding block”–”5th floor of a building with 2 storeys”–”room number-oh?
What was the room number?”
c) Parents:To uncles and aunty’s,who bring their kids ( age group 20+) to drop them to exam centers,please,don’t play with your “kids” future,that poor soul is anyways under prepared,under slept and lot of other unders.
They will be better off if you would have some confidence in them and let them reach the exam center all by themselves.
Plus,it only adds to the chaos there and people like me who are anyways tout like a guitar string lose it even more.
d) Too nervous to be in any of the categories : Seriously,does it require and explanation?
3) Wierd Physiological sensations : People who are averse to scatological references in whatever they read can skip this.But its really crucial to discuss this.(Common,be a sport,read on)
If you guys follow Calvin and Hobbes,their views on the emotion on love
( mushy,sickning,wierd,whirlpooly)
are pretty much the same which my body experiences when I have to take a test.
Mild headache and grumbling stomach which are persistant,though,not troubling initially,as on some bizarre diabolical clue raise up to their full extent and kick in with in 5 minutes of test commencement.
No matter how many times I have visited the restroom,all I can think about in the exam hall are Niagara falls,whirlpools,tsunami,dropping a bomb from bomber aircraft!!! ( i hope you are getting the picture,and I hope not too vividly,its not a pretty sight).
And to make things worse,not only i would be too shy to ask the invigilator to excuse me for a minute,
the days I have tried requesting (begging) I have met only stern refusals and condescending smirks (darn the grin).
A perfect biological conspiracy,huh?
4) Computer time keepers : A small but highly annoying aspect of today’s so called online tests.
( As if that makes them any easier to score)
For god sake,I have my watch.You dont have to keep ticking and making me lose my nerves which are already on the verge of a breakdown.
And I rather warn some enthusiastic UI developers who consider it their prerogative to add timers with irritating sounds which come after every 30 minutes.
This was one of the messages i encountered during a test
Ting - ONLY 90 Minutes left!!Hurry…
Or
No!!You are not allowed to use left,right,up,down,alt,tab,ctrl and enter keys…Oh,and no escape too
(If only I could lay my hands on the whiz kid who thought of this punch line!!!)
By now I am so worried about the fact that for sure I must have offended the EXAM gods, I am off to the temple to appease them.
I intend to go to some kiddie school and talk about virutes of exams and tests.
Did I hear you say All the best?
There,the last thing which I missed mentioning about not liking exams,is when people say All the best.(No reasons,but I just dont :))
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