Why present?

It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here.
No. It's not like I did not want to write. Or did not have anything to write about.

Had plenty.

But then, I was comfortable. I am comfortable as I write now.
Things were not easy or straightforward. But I was just comfortable.

3 times.I used this word 3 times in last 2 sentences.
Now I don't know if I was comfortable or happy. Probably both.

Not like I stopped cribbing all this while. No Sire.

Like a dogged ant I kept at it.
Discounting the happiness that life seems to be radiating currently.
Cleaning of those specs of sparkling present from the green leaves.

Forgetting the moments of glory and sitting back with the defeats. Not even real defeats.
All made up. Made up by that part of me who probably is really scared of letting go of the beautiful today. But one who is shit scared of the failure that tomorrow might bring.

Like that kid who acts all tough and nonchalant. But just wants to go and hug his mom when he has to go home through that dark road on a dare. Cry a little, but making sure ma does not see it.

I seem to walk about taking crap on the "Today". And dreams ( day dreams ) about some random,unknown,hazy future.Which is looking exactly as comfortable as today.

And I seem to want to change it.Future I mean. To be honest, I don't seem to be working towards changing it. I am just hoping that I live in it today.

For those you have not followed the last sentence.

Distilled mantra is pretty simple. Forget the past, demean the present and live in future.

Yes. I forget that I should be grateful for all that I have got today.
Yes. I discount today's victories and cry foul over tomorrows defeats.

So I don't want to live in present. I am naive but dangerously stupid.
For I want to change the future without causing even a teensy weensy bit of a scratch on my perfectly curated present. I just want to be the arrogant albeit shit scared guy who speaks shit about god in front of everyone and then goes behind and profusely apologizes to the almighty for screwing up with him.

It is not easy to accept that.I don't want failure to tarnish my oh so beautiful present because lets face it. My present is not just my present. It belongs to a lot of stakeholders.I am not the majority stakeholder here.

So yeah, I intend to keep rubbishing my present and nursing my future which in all probability looks exactly like my present. I think that it is different but it is not.

For I am too scared to loose. Too scared to damage, tarnish and step on a podium meant for runners up. I want to win so bad today so that I can lose tomorrow.


MJ