Run forrest run

Not really sure what triggered this.
Has been a while since I ran.
But a movie sequence where I saw someone running through a jungle just stirred something.
And then saw couple of kids running on the road.
( It was not forrest gump - title is a little derivative , I know ).

What is it about running?

Why does it move something primal within us?

Whether that is a kid running with the most beautiful flow , legs moving as if in a symphony, absence of the knots , chains, bells that someone tied to our souls as we grew up.

It is as if the kid is showing the middle finger to the grown up.

Fuck the stance, posture, pronation, efficiency.

This what I am doing, says the kid, is being free.

Legs moving way ahead of body, almost like the mind, free to go where it wants.

Mocks the grown up, whose mind is blocked, timid , scared to go beyond the fences.

What is it about running?

I think because it is non judgmental, agnostic of rigid set of rules, destination, locus , forgiving and unforgiving at the same time.

Yes, some run towards their purpose, some away from it, some run towards the deepest fears, some as far away as they can from those demons.

Some run towards responsibilities, some run away from them.

Towards the unknown sometimes, the others running towards the cocoon whose warmth they so love.

While I ran towards the maze , I see someone dashing back to the roads they knew at the back of their heads.

To , from, towards, away, focused, distracted , exhilarated , hurt, scared runs.

In the end, the steps are not judging you, for the pain of the journey stays same.

Knees hurt, breath hurts, heck the mind hurts.

It is the choices we make, the runs we choose on this calendar of life.

Some really long that don’t seem long, some, just to the next block and boy does do they take a weird turn.

We are designed to run, loaded with a program just to run, the bugs of where,why,good ,bad,difficult,easy just crept up.

So as long as you run, and it is yours, who cares what anyone thinks.

Sweat is a currency through which we pay our dues in this world.

-->

And that is pure.

A little less I

Too much I.Too little us.
So focused on my inner self, others the really important ones are getting missed.

The best things happen when we feel we are a part of something bigger than us.

This is for all the loved ones I don't call,the friends who still care even when I am a jerk,my parents who rationalize why I call them so less ( he must be busy,must be tired ).

We get stronger once the purpose changes and becomes bigger.
Realized this when I saw the focus of my work changing to making something better for someone.

So hey, I brought a drink for the auto guy I was coming back with,since he was a teetotaler , the guard in my building was happy when I offered him one.

Hoping he has a good Saturday.

As I walked,I walked alone
Even with close ones around
Pondering over the deep gaping holes
Sans connect with the other souls.

For the heart was beating,
The sounds,hurts,pains were all mine
That little pump thumping,scared,faster
Playing me, that manipulative puppet master

But then I brought a beer,
Not for me this time,like always
Me was moving sideways,us barely sneaking
Offered it to a total stranger,that guard in my building

He was happy, so was selfish I,
Tonight was going to be a better for us,
For him,days rough, life a prison
Just a few minutes he had,a cushion.

The bubbles in our bottles joined,
Even the thoughts,hearts combined
I know my joy was still a little in focussed
But the drink felt a little more crisp, for it was externally locussed

Hero

Can I fight who I am,
My walls, inroads, traps
Lanes so deep, akin skin
Mocking me at each step, post the sin.

While I make a choice,
The "choice" was already made ,
Oblivious to pain tomorrow,
The Present , happiness, borrowed.

The true me knows, it tries
For the gluttony , it cracks me up
Funny, for I knew this,
I was ahead sometime, true was,my bliss.

The prose is weak,and so am I
But then I am strong, oh so strong
When I will,is when I win,
And shall recall, before every sin.

Yes,a human I am today,
A hero tomorrow and forever,
The torchbearer , force of nature
Never again, of my goodness, belittler, traitor

Here I am

So here I am,
Another Sunday evening,
Desperately trying to becoming a better me,
For tomorrow, that will be a rehash of another Monday.

Even my 4 lines are out of rhythm,
For I am learning to be better at excel,
And watching another movie which says live in the moment,
Weird, for this tomorrow and that today seem to be irreconcilable.

The beats call me on, enticing, making things simpler,
But the ego that is me, scoffs, for there are bigger, challenging mountains to climb,
Being the best it says, that is what it boils down to man!
My mirror of I is and will always be bigger than I can ever be.


It is such a relief, not to think hard about the rhyme,
For there is a constant tussle to be in synch, logical, right!
Trying to fit the pieces so hard, of a puzzle I understand a little too well,
But the story, the puzzle tells, I miss.

I think the need is for the meaning, the aarth behind the numbers,
All I need is the rush, aligned with who I am,
For that is what will give the soul to the targets and the days,
Just need to find where and who I am, for the numbers to be a little closer to mean a lot.

Today or Tomorrow?

And again not in present anymire,
Willing to lose today,for the fancies of tomorrow,
Crafting yearns of tomorrow , amidst today's torpor,
Building happy paper boats,in today's drains,narrow.

Why am I lost?Or am I really lost at all?
Ecstacy of future , that hit oh so high,
Willful blindness ,perilously,close to abyss,ready for fall,
Pinch,and the bubble bursts,me alone and my walls.

My imposter self,smirking,holding the keys to door,
Mocking me,scoffing,daring me to shakle out,
Me with my golden cuffs,drugged,chained to the floor,
Comfortably numb,stuck,safe tucked in,sans doubt.

Path?

We all are living some kind of quite desperation.It stays alive,alive when we lose,fall on our faces miserably, even more so when we win...feel like a fucking imposter,a bloody fraud who is not meant for all these praises because frankly speaking ,I am not worth it.Why are these people saying twisted sweet nothings which cuts through my skin harshly like a barbed wire...or some sharp cane that was used in school... Not on me though... Coz I was safe there...good boy u see...and I am good even now...being a little different calls for balls.All I wait for is the next failure to prove to myself that I am worthless. And somehow it is a relief in proving that to self.
Now I am not sure that these words are a testament to reality or is it just those few minutes I have when I am not busy running on the treadmills, or is it because I am watching tamasha once again and it seems fancy to associate self with the protagonist who is living a life of turmoil and desperation. Possibly all of them. Or probably I met Ruskin bond today who is darn content doing what he is doing at 80.Or is it reading marukami who is just hurting me with every word he writes.
Or may be I realize I am not strong enough and struggling between my hipocracy and imposters syndrome.
Questions like,if I cant prove myself here will I be able to do anything elsewhere? Will I be able to live my dream if I can't prove my worth in eyes of who all are watching?
Freaking confusing.
Can I step up,weather the challenges today or is it time to pick entirely new battles and say fuckall to gauntlets thrown,strewn all around me... Or are they a noose...I am too tired for this shit.
Should I just accept what is Today like and be happy... And it is not bad today to be honest... Keep at it and hope it will get better.
Or do I thrash all of today for a tomorrow which scares the shit out of me.
Again, am tired for this shit today.

Kisse

किस्से कश के किस्से जाम के,
किस्से कुछ नाम,कुछ गुमनाम से

किस्से जिन पर रोये थे कल, आज शाम मुस्कुरान के
पीछे देखा तो लगा, किस्से नहीं वह दोस्त थे

साथ चल रहे थे,सँभालते हुए हमें,बिना किसी मंज़िल के,बिना किसी मक़ाम के