Path?

We all are living some kind of quite desperation.It stays alive,alive when we lose,fall on our faces miserably, even more so when we win...feel like a fucking imposter,a bloody fraud who is not meant for all these praises because frankly speaking ,I am not worth it.Why are these people saying twisted sweet nothings which cuts through my skin harshly like a barbed wire...or some sharp cane that was used in school... Not on me though... Coz I was safe there...good boy u see...and I am good even now...being a little different calls for balls.All I wait for is the next failure to prove to myself that I am worthless. And somehow it is a relief in proving that to self.
Now I am not sure that these words are a testament to reality or is it just those few minutes I have when I am not busy running on the treadmills, or is it because I am watching tamasha once again and it seems fancy to associate self with the protagonist who is living a life of turmoil and desperation. Possibly all of them. Or probably I met Ruskin bond today who is darn content doing what he is doing at 80.Or is it reading marukami who is just hurting me with every word he writes.
Or may be I realize I am not strong enough and struggling between my hipocracy and imposters syndrome.
Questions like,if I cant prove myself here will I be able to do anything elsewhere? Will I be able to live my dream if I can't prove my worth in eyes of who all are watching?
Freaking confusing.
Can I step up,weather the challenges today or is it time to pick entirely new battles and say fuckall to gauntlets thrown,strewn all around me... Or are they a noose...I am too tired for this shit.
Should I just accept what is Today like and be happy... And it is not bad today to be honest... Keep at it and hope it will get better.
Or do I thrash all of today for a tomorrow which scares the shit out of me.
Again, am tired for this shit today.

Kisse

किस्से कश के किस्से जाम के,
किस्से कुछ नाम,कुछ गुमनाम से

किस्से जिन पर रोये थे कल, आज शाम मुस्कुरान के
पीछे देखा तो लगा, किस्से नहीं वह दोस्त थे

साथ चल रहे थे,सँभालते हुए हमें,बिना किसी मंज़िल के,बिना किसी मक़ाम के 

Somwar

सोमवार को भीड़ भड्डाके वाली जगह ढूंढ़ता मैं ,
जहाँ शोर ही इतना हो की अंदर की दबी आवाज़ बेज़ुबान हो जाये

रविवार को दूर भाग रहा हूँ कल से, आज की रात को कस कर पकड़ के बैठा हूँ
कस के बैठा हूँ , इस रात की चमकती हुई रोशनियों के दरमियान

की बस आज रात यहीं रह जाये और कल सवेरा न हो 

To be or not to be

Most of my work is pretty derivative.
Sans originality, a fancy by product of the closest most easily available, comfortable anecdote,harsh truth and pain that I can find in vicinity.

Themes are pretty much same too. Discontent, expectation and so called pain on the status quo that plagues my existence in general.

But reading something today stirred it slightly more than I usually let on.
Hence a few lines.

Hopefully I don't forget what they are screaming to tell me today as I write under a stupor.

To be or not to be was never a question, never a stumbling block,
Always to be imagined how it would be , the shining victory hop,
Never to be,the tortuous route, the treacherous  terrains,
Fears to sleep with, holding the smiles, amidst the pains.

For the dreams were to be too certain, and not to be insane,
The path , oh so cured, no disagreements,just embellished with fame,
Lights were to be bright, with the halo of success behind,
My trophy just in sight, up for grabs , the laurels set, lined.

And that is how it was to be, or not to be ever,
For the journey is going to be a fucked up, harsh, severe.
Not to be were the questions, the self doubt , the loathe
The naysayer guard of my dreams satisfied, as I twitch,back and forth.

For it knows, that the itch was to be temporary,easy
No driving force, lulled to sleep again, settled, cozy,
Could I break the shell, run the full mile, and miles over?
Or will I die, regret ,the could be, would haves and the never.

Why present?

It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here.
No. It's not like I did not want to write. Or did not have anything to write about.

Had plenty.

But then, I was comfortable. I am comfortable as I write now.
Things were not easy or straightforward. But I was just comfortable.

3 times.I used this word 3 times in last 2 sentences.
Now I don't know if I was comfortable or happy. Probably both.

Not like I stopped cribbing all this while. No Sire.

Like a dogged ant I kept at it.
Discounting the happiness that life seems to be radiating currently.
Cleaning of those specs of sparkling present from the green leaves.

Forgetting the moments of glory and sitting back with the defeats. Not even real defeats.
All made up. Made up by that part of me who probably is really scared of letting go of the beautiful today. But one who is shit scared of the failure that tomorrow might bring.

Like that kid who acts all tough and nonchalant. But just wants to go and hug his mom when he has to go home through that dark road on a dare. Cry a little, but making sure ma does not see it.

I seem to walk about taking crap on the "Today". And dreams ( day dreams ) about some random,unknown,hazy future.Which is looking exactly as comfortable as today.

And I seem to want to change it.Future I mean. To be honest, I don't seem to be working towards changing it. I am just hoping that I live in it today.

For those you have not followed the last sentence.

Distilled mantra is pretty simple. Forget the past, demean the present and live in future.

Yes. I forget that I should be grateful for all that I have got today.
Yes. I discount today's victories and cry foul over tomorrows defeats.

So I don't want to live in present. I am naive but dangerously stupid.
For I want to change the future without causing even a teensy weensy bit of a scratch on my perfectly curated present. I just want to be the arrogant albeit shit scared guy who speaks shit about god in front of everyone and then goes behind and profusely apologizes to the almighty for screwing up with him.

It is not easy to accept that.I don't want failure to tarnish my oh so beautiful present because lets face it. My present is not just my present. It belongs to a lot of stakeholders.I am not the majority stakeholder here.

So yeah, I intend to keep rubbishing my present and nursing my future which in all probability looks exactly like my present. I think that it is different but it is not.

For I am too scared to loose. Too scared to damage, tarnish and step on a podium meant for runners up. I want to win so bad today so that I can lose tomorrow.


MJ

why run?

no lofty cause, not for fun
not to check some box, tick off off lists..
I want to run, ergo, I run...

to find myself alive, aware, sane?
push my fears out in the open..
letting those silent cries, a life of their own...
letting those tears through pores instead of eyes... I run

I run, for there seems to be no path,
no set of naïve expectations of others or self
potentialities zilch, only my head pushing me ahead
so I run, not to be perfect, not to improve, not to compete

I run, for there is no reason, for once..
don't have to be somewhere, improve or excel
for once to be thankful for what I got
to step over the pit of despair dug by own demands..

and hence I run...
why?
I run... ergo I run!

manan

when calvin says "becoming an adult is probably the stupidest thing you could do", I couldn't agree more.... but after reading Manan this juxtaposition of 11 words started hurting way more than they should have.
I am 30 and all that goes in my head is what's the next big thing in my life... all these lofty questions about what would  make me better, more productive, better leader and other assorted crap. I don't recall stuff that used to put smile on my face, I don't think about little things that I observed and played with in my head [ like trying to divide ever car or scooters number by 3 till they were not a multiple of 3...walking in tandem with the steps we used to take during school parades and what not]
that's all in the past, observing, talking with someone called me and having a parallel universe is all beyond me... my next gadget, next car, next promotion, next trip is all I care about and even that's not all fun...
So thanks mohit for stirring so much in me and raking up the murky stuff which had settled and hardened.... kudos to you for writing Manan and hopefully we can keep the Manan in us alive... or at least give him a chance to leave the doors of our hearts a lil ajar.
may you see strange places and stranger times :)